Did you say kids?
by Belphegor
Summary: A short - I think - semi-mindless piece of dialogue, between Lily, James, Sirius and Remus, about their kids' names. Who knew sarcasm was love, really?


A little note: this may be regarded as a companion to my Hogwarts Original Pranksters series (yes, I think I'm going to write the second year as well… have fear :o]), but isn't necessarily. It was just a slightly mindless piece of dialogue I wrote within a few hours, but I had fun writing it. The result of what some weird ideas and a slight writer's block can lead an author to. Oh dear.

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Did you say "kids"?

Setting: Christmas vacation, 3rd year in James', Lily's and Co's generation. Lily has invited James, Sirius and Remus to spend a few days with her and her family – Peter is at his mum's. Lily's just learned that a young lady who lives near by is pregnant, and so is now thinking about having to name the children she'll probably have someday.

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Disclaimer: The names of the characters don't belong to me, and neither do the characters themselves – sometimes they just seem to live by themselves, you know ;o]

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LILY: So then, how're you guys going to name your children?

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JAMES: Uh? Er, pardon Lil', but you're only thirteen and you're already thinking of having kids? _(silence)_ D'you really want to know my opinion about it?

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LILY: Spill the beans.

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JAMES: You're mad.

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LILY: And you're unimaginative. So, the names?

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SIRIUS: Can I ask you why you want so much to know that?

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JAMES: No, actually it's a good question. I think I'll name my kid Jake. Jake's cool.

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LILY _(sarcastic)_: Oh yeah, totally cool. What if it's a girl?

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JAMES: It won't be a girl.

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LILY: And why that?

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REMUS: Yes, why that, James?

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JAMES: Because I say so.

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SIRIUS: I'm with you on that one, Jamsie. A boy is definitely more fun than a girl.

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REMUS: Hmm …

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JAMES: No, please Remus, whatever you want to say right now, keep it for yourself.

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SIRIUS: Yeah, you're always sticking up for Lily anyway. It's not fun.

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LILY: I don't believe it. Fun – can't you think of anything else? You're so – so – such – 

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JAMES _(offering)_: –Boys?

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LILY: Yes. Yes, you such _boys_. And don't you _think_ I mean it as a compliment. 

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REMUS: Oh, so that means I'm not a _boy_, doesn't it?

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LILY _(shrugs)_: Of course not, Remus.

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(**SIRIUS **_and_ **JAMES** _exchange glances.)_

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JAMES _(raises an eyebrow)_: Ah. And – what is he, then?

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LILY _(quite serious)_: Remus is a gentleman.

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SIRIUS _(snorts)_: Oh, yeah, of course.

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JAMES _(chuckles)_: We've known that for _years_.

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SIRIUS: Three, to be exact.

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JAMES: Three and a half, you mean.

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SIRIUS: Nah, nine and three quarters.

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JAMES: What about five and a third?

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SIRIUS: Or ten point forty-two?

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LILY: Stop it, both of you! You're not making any sense.

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REMUS: I don't think I've heard three and a quarter, which is actually the right number.

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LILY: Remus!

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SIRIUS: Yes, _(fake falsetto voice)_ _Remus!_

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REMUS: Whatever. _(gives a quizzical sweet smile)_ What were we talking about before that number stuff? 

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LILY: Names for children.

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JAMES: Yeah, and mine will be Jake James Potter.

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SIRIUS: Sounds awful.

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LILY: You can't possibly know how much it hurts me to say that, but I agree with Sirius.

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SIRIUS _(suddenly starts jumping up and down)_: Yippee!! Crack open the Butterbeer, guys! Lily agrees with me! _(puzzled frown)_ About what anyway, Lil'? 

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LILY: James's poor kid's name. _(rolls eyes at _**SIRIUS**_)_ Honestly, don't you _ever_ pay attention to –

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JAMES _(vexed tone)_: Well, you find a better name if you're so clever, then.

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SIRIUS _(turns to_ **LILY**_)_: Yeah, you just do that.

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REMUS: I thought you agreed with Lily, Sirius.

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SIRIUS: Me, leaving old Jamsie's side? _(shakes his head)_ I thought you knew me better than that, mate. _(stage whisper to_ **JAMES**_)_ But you must admit that "Jake James Potter" sounds terrible. Poor kid.

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JAMES: Right then, take out the middle name. Sounds better now, Jake Potter.

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LILY _gives a silent chuckle. _**JAMES**_ frowns in her general direction._

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JAMES: All right, tell us how _you_'ll name your kids.

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SIRIUS: Bet she'll want a girl.

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REMUS: Two Galleons on a boy.

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LILY: You can start paying Remus right now, Sirius.

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JAMES: _What?_ But I thought –

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LILY: I mean, having a girl would be fine, we could play dolls, talk about girls' stuff and all that, but a boy'd be great too. I could make a gentleman out of him.

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SIRIUS: Oooh, that was a proposal, Rem! 

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JAMES: Er, Lily? I thought we'd look nice together…

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LILY_(shrugs)_: Yeah, maybe. But I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with you, am I? I've still got plenty of years yet to come! I want to enjoy life at least a bit!

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JAMES _pouts._

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LILY: Don't pout. _(sarcastic, Sirius-like sort of grin)_ You're not fun.

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SIRIUS: Go, girlie! 

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JAMES _(still pouting)_ Sirius, you traitor. If I get to marry some girl someday, I forbid you to come to my wedding. 

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SIRIUS _(lightly)_: I don't give a damn about that, Jamsie. _(wolf-like grin)_ As long as I'm invited to the bachelor party.

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REMUS _(to_ **LILY**_)_: So, what will be the name of your child, Lily?

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LILY: If it's a girl, I think it'll be –

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JAMES: Rose!

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SIRIUS: Violet!

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JAMES: Heather!

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SIRIUS: Daisy! 

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JAMES: Does that count if I say "Chrysanthemum"?

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LILY: You stupid – moron – mindless – _boys_. 

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JAMES: Fair enough. Oh well, I take out the Chrysanthemum. But you must admit that your family does have a thing for flower-linked names. 

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REMUS: So then Lily, the name?

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SIRIUS _(sticks out his tongue to _**REMUS**_)_: Shut up, gentleman.

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REMUS: _You_ shut up, O Not-So-Serious One, or I shall start on about your relatives all being named after stars.

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JAMES _(stage whisper to_ **REMUS**_)_: Guess he's calling his daughter Cassiopeia. That sort of thing runs in the family.

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REMUS _(same hushed tones)_: Nah, Andromeda would be better, I think. 

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SIRIUS _(loudly)_: I heard you, and I don't think so. And I want a son. A daughter is not practical. 

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REMUS: Oh, so that'd be a Sirius II then. You're horrid to say that, by the way. 

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LILY: I'll pretend I didn't hear that, Star-Boy. Anyway, to answer Remus's question, my son will be named Harry.

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JAMES: Harry? _(goggles at _**LILY**_)_ No way. Harry's much too common. 

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SIRIUS: Cheer up, Jamsie! Lily's got a thing for common names – you've got a chance, then!

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LILY: Harry is not common. Harry is classy. And I don't have to ask you your opinion anyway.

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JAMES: Classy, my foot. Can't I add some weird sort of middle name if I'm at least godfather?

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SIRIUS: Something beginning with a J?

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JAMES: Whatever, Sirius…

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SIRIUS: So then, Harry Jeffrey-Robinson-Napoleon-Rupert Potter. Now that's more like it.

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JAMES: You're mad. I'm not marrying Lily and I'm certainly not naming a poor kid Harry, for Merlin's sake! Not mentioning what you've just added to it!

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REMUS: Wait, there's also Jeremy-Brett-Caesar-Charlie. 

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JAMES: You're both mad. Don't even get me started on that.

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LILY: What about Jonathan-Thomas-Theodore-Louis?

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JAMES: The three of you are totally –

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SIRIUS: Geez, James, put another record on, will you?

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JAMES _shrugs_. **REMUS** _laughs._

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REMUS: C'mon, James, you know she _always_ has the last word eventually.

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SIRIUS: Listen to the gentleman here. _(turns to_ **JAMES**_)_ Besides, as you pointed out so cleverly not so long ago, we're only thirteen. So I guess the two of you will have to wait a bit before bringing up seriously the matter of little red-haired, four-eyed kids.

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REMUS: Yeah, it's not as if you two having a kid would totally change life on this side of the Earth, if you forgive my expression… 

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JAMES: No offence, Rem. And Sirius – for your own sake, don't you _ever_ say again that I'm four-eyed.

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SIRIUS: I don't remember doing so.

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REMUS: Run for your life, Sirius! He's going after you!

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LILY: Yeah, James may be four-eyed but he's got quite some legs.

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REMUS _(raises an eyebrow at_ **LILY**_)_: Oh really, Lily?

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LILY _(flushes pink at the ears)_: Yes – I mean – no – I didn't mean that he's got quite some _fine_ legs – oh well, he has but that's not the point – oh God!

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LILY _runs away, balancing between dying of shame and shaking with laughter. _**SIRIUS** _and _**REMUS**_ are shouting with laughter at _**JAMES**_ who doesn't know where to hide himself._

*~*~*

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And the subject is closed for a long, long time. Actually, nobody knows now that Harry Potter was almost named Jake James Potter, Chrysanthemum Potter, or even had almost had Jeffrey-Robinson-Napoleon-Rupert as a middle name. But that was a close shave ^_^

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You know, some say that if Cleopatra's nose had been shorter, the face of the world might have changed. You can see what's been avoided by not making Harry Potter's name longer… 

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P.S.: Sorry for this slightly disturbing stuff. As someone once said, I never said I was sane, you know :o] 

Love from Belphegor~the Weird One!~ 


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